The Madness Returns
by A.Fox
Summary: These are the scripts I made for a Fanfiction Monty Python episode...let's have a look shall we.
1. Begining

(I do not own any characters in this Fanfic, and to my knowledge none of them are in Public Domain. Also I hope no one minds that this fanfic will be in script format)

** PRESENTS THE MADNESS CONTINUES A MONTY PYTHON FANFIC**

(It's Man is seen running through a mine field weaving like a drunk in a car to avoid the mines suddenly he steps on one and is accidentally sent flying he lands right in front of the camera and looks up at it)

It's Man: It's…

(title card appears)

Announcer: Monty Python's Flying Circus…once again

(you should know how the rest goes)

I hope no one minds how short this chapter is ther next one will be longer I promise


	2. The Return of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

(I do not own any characters in this chapter, and to my knowledge none of them are in Public Domain. Also I hope no one minds that this fanfic will be in script format)

THE RETURN OF WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART

(Piano music fills the ears of the viewer and the title card "THE RETURN OF WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART" appears on screen for a few seconds, the scene then changes to Mozart playing the piano and soon finishes the song

Mozart: Good evening and welcome back to the show, tonight we are going to look at even more Famous Deaths this night we start with the wonderful death of President Richard Nixon…take it away Richey

(The scene changes to show Nixon is seen walking down a street minding his own business, when suddenly a 16 ton weight falls on his head, the scene then changes to some people holding signs with numbers on them like Ice Skating Judges)

Voice: 4.9, 5.1, 9.0 nineteen points for Richard Nixon

(back to Mozart who is still at the piano)

Mozart: welcome to the show poor Mr. Nixon. And now here is Eddie with the scores.

(The scene changes to a wall with several names on it and their scores as well it looks a little like this)

**Elvis Presley: 30.0**

**St. Stephan: 25.0**

**John F. Kennedy : 20.0**

**Richard Nixon: 19.0**

**Adolph Hitler: 18.9**

**Blackbeard: 15.0**

**Alistair Crowley: 1.0**

Eddie: Thank Mozart and as you can see Elvis has done what no one else could do, unseat St. Stephan from his position as the best death and moving down we have President Kennedy with his assassination, then Nixon, followed by Hitler with his suicide, and then Blackbeard, and in last place is Alistair Crowley back to you Wolfgang

Mozart: thank you Eddy and now it is time for this weeks request death (takes a card off the top of the piano) for Mr. Eric Praline the death of Mr. Larry King…Live

(cut to Larry King's show with him seated behind a desk and facing the camera)

Larry: and now…

(a gunshot is heard and he drops over dead)

Mozart (checking his watch) oh blimey how time flies sadly we are reaching the end of the Showtime, and so I must bid you adieu for now but as a consolation I bring to you one of the evergreen bucket kickers…yes that famous despot Count Vlad Dracula

(cuts to a rooftop with a catapult on it Vlad Dracula is launched off of it and a screech is heard

Dracula: I'm flying

(a thunderous crash is heard as the Count hits the ground)

This sketch was inspired by Monty Python's first sketch It's Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart I intend to parody one more sketch but other then that one the rest are original.


	3. Alligator Sketch

(unlike the previous chapters this one features Ocs I do not however own Monty Python's Flying Circus)

THE ALLIGATOR

(it opens up again in a typical waiting room with several seats and receptionist a man enters a door on the left side of the room)

Man: I would like to see the alligator please

Receptionist: (looks up) I'm sorry sir but he can't see you at the moment he's having his lunch appointment

Man: that's all right I can wait a few minutes

(the man sits down he then notices a magazine, picks it up, and starts reading it. It is quiet for a few seconds before a screech is heard)

Voice: ARRGH

Man: What was that?

Receptionist: (looks up) must have been his telephone

Man: (looks at the receptionist strangely) look lassie I've been around telephones for virtually all my life and I know for a fact telephones don't go "ARRGH" they make an annoying ringing noise

Receptionist: It's an old model

Man: (yelling) OLD MODEL MY ARSE I'VE BEEN AROUND OLD TELEPHONES MY OLD LIFE I EVEN OWN ONE AND THEY DON'T GO ARRGH

Receptionist: it's a really old model

Man: (silent for a few moments) I'll take your word for it

(he goes back to reading the magazine a grinding sound fills the air)\

Man: what was that?

Receptionist: must be his pencil sharpener

Man: first a telephone that goes ARRGH and now a pencil sharpener that sounds like a meat grinder what next a toilet that sounds like Elvis?

(a few more moments pass when the smell of burning flesh fills the air)

Man: my lord what is that horrid stench?

Receptionist: must be his deodorant

Man: (looks at camera) I'm not even going to argue this time got it?

(he goes back to his reading when horrible devouring noises are heard the Man looks at the door with a mortified look on his face a few moments pass with silence)

Alligator (through the door) I would like my dessert now please

Receptionist: certainly sir (looks at the Man) the Alligator will see you now

Man: (jumps up from his chair and runs out the door he came in) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Receptionist: watch out for the (a crash is heard) stairs

(cut to Terry Gilliam animation of an alligator poking his head out the door)

Alligator: well where's my dessert?

Receptionist: he fell down the stairs and I think he's dead

Alligator: oh this makes me upset I have to eat something

Receptionist: what do you mean by-

(her statement is cut off by the alligator reaching his head out and eating her he then looks at the camera)

Alligator: And now for something completely different

(16 ton weight falls on his head)


	4. Genie Winston ChurchillComplaint Sketch

(and here readers is something I call…)

THE GENIE WINSTON CHURCHILL/COMPLAINT SKETCH

(and I own the Ocs featured in here)

(we see an attractive redheaded woman walking down a beach with her cat, she stops to pick up a lamp and rubs it. Suddenly a cloud of smoke appears followed by…Winston Churchill?)

Winston: well who did you expect Groucho Marx?

Woman: (shocked) who are you?

Winston: look at me woman I'm Winston bloody Churchill

Woman: and you're a genie?

Winston: yeah you thought I was dead, well there's a funny story behind that, I'll sing it to you (pulls a concertina out of his pocket) wwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Woman (interrupting): umm pardon me if this seems rude, but aren't you supposed to grant me a wish?

Winston: I was getting to that anyways you're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish

Woman: just one?

Winston: well we can't be greedy can we…oh and no wishing for more wishes

Woman: (holds up cat) see this cat, I'd rather have a strong handsome man

Winston: done (snaps his fingers and the cat turns into a clone of Brad Pit) and now I think I'll take a nap cheerio (disappears into lamp)

Woman: (jumps into transformed cat's lap) do you have anything to say before we make love?

Transformed Cat: yes I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week

Woman: oh F***

(suddenly an angel descends from the Heavens suspended by a wire)

Angel: I am the person to complain to, I listen to complaints about flawed wishes, I listen to complaints about wishes that have flaws, I listen about the flaws in the wishes you complain about, please complain please

Woman: (points to transformed cat) I'd like to take this man back he's neutered

Angel: I can fix that, that can easily be fixed, it is within my ability to fix

Woman: (stunned) you can

Angel: certainly, of course, most definitely although you must do me one favor first

Woman: sure anything

Winston: (pops out of lamp) don't do it he's a bloody psycho

Angel: don't listen to the idiot in the lamp

Winston: (ignores him) that guy isn't really an angel, he's just an Angel impersonator who lives at the Royal Frog Tramping Institute

Woman: well then what am I supposed to do?

Winston: easy I'll fix the problem for you

(Winston snaps his fingers, Transformed Cat gets a devilish grin. he then scoops the woman up in his arms and runs off)

Angel: nice one dumbass, now how am I going to get my goal done?

Winston: incidentally what were you going to have done this time, have someone else crash a plane into a large public monument?

Angel: if you must know, I was going to have her ship Michel Jackson a mail bomb

Winston: uh hate to burst your bubble creepy but he's dead

Angel: (silent) what?

Winston: yeah that's right he's dead

Angel: I cannot believe it, I swear today can't get any worse

(16 ton weight falls on the Angel camera zooms in on Winston)

Winston: and now for something completely different

(gives the V for Victory sign before disappearing into his lamp)


	5. Jack The Ripper Sketch

(this dear reader also features Ocs in this segment I call)

JACK THE RIPPER VS. JACK D. RIPPER

(open up to a courtroom setting, we see that the Jury stands are filled with ten Australian men named Bruce, Arthur Nudge, and Biggles awaiting the trial in the seats of Plaintiff and Defendant are Jack the Ripper who has a big question mark covering his face and Jack D. Ripper who looks like a timid black haired man with a severe acne problem the seats behind them are filled with various people and two bailiffs stand near the door)

Bailiff: all rise

(everyone rises except Biggles, who doesn't realize why he should stand, the Colonel walks in wearing his hat over a judge's wig, the Colonel walks up to a ladder, and climbs into the Judge's seat)

Bailliff: court is in session

(superimposed caption COLONEL C. COLONEL III)

Colonel: alright let's not have this get silly like the last sketches, so I wish to ask the District Attorney what is this case

(cuts to a Gumby standing up, the Caption reads "District Attorney: Prof. R.J. Gumby)

Gumby: yer honor, I would like to hear the sound of two bricks smashing together

Colonel: that's a very silly line professor Gumby, I asked for the case not a joke

Gumby: this man mister Jack the Ripper, is suing Mr. Jack D. Ripper for copyright name infringement and being a copycat killer

Colonel: wait a minute what do you mean 'copycat killer'?

Gumby: Mr. Jack D. Ripper disemboweled five prostitutes, and sent letters to the police bragging about it he also impersonated Graham Hill

Colonel: and what does this have to do with the case?

Gumby: I have no idea

Colonel: remind me to forget your birthday (looks at Jack the Ripper) mister The Ripper, if that is your real name, is it true you committed the original ripper killings in Whitechapel

Jack the Ripper: yes that's right

Colonel: and you felt guilty and decided to turn yourself in?

Jack the Ripper: no, no, no I was suing him for copyright infringements, I can't let this scumbag think he can rip me off

Colonel: (looks confused) you do realize, I could have you arrested right here and now for the Whitechapel killings and put on trial

Jack The Ripper: (indignant) well blimey I can't let this guy think I can be ripped off I'm Jack The Ripper for crying out loud

Colonel: I'll get back to you (turns to Jack D. Ripper) is it true you ripped off his style?

Jack D. Ripper: yes that's right I just wanted to be recognized is all

Colonel: I see this will take a heavily thought out verdict

(the screen turns black and says "ONE VERDICT LATER")

Colonel: alright I have looked over the evidence and I believe…this is getting too silly and I am ending this sketch right now

(court goes into an uproar)

Jack The Ripper: you can't do that

Colonel: I can and I will but if you insist I shall send you to a new sketch…ROLL IT

(switches to the Vox Pops sketch)


	6. Vox Pops

(and here readers is the last sketch but not the last chapter remember I don't own any characters shown here)

VOX POPS

Author: (pops up at a newsreaders desk) good evening today we are going to see the public's views on the media, so before I ramble on too long here is our non-biast reporter Hugo Drummond…okay that was a lie

(cut to Vox Pops)

Tiger: I've had enough of this alligator controlled media

Alligator: I've had enough of this tiger controlled media

Napoleon: I've had enough of this English controlled media

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: I've had enough of this rock and roll controlled media

It's Man: I've had enough of this non hermit controlled media

Colonel: I've had enough of this silliness controlled media

Stephan Colbert: I've had enough of this Liberal controlled media

Karl Marx: I've had enough of this capitalist controlled media

David Bowie: I've had enough of this media that isn't controlled by me

Edmond Blackadder IV: I've had enough of this Baldrick controlled media

Dalek: I've had enough of this non-Dalek controlled media

The Doctor (9th): I've had enough of this Dalek controlled media

Pig: fools the media isn't controlled by any of those things it's all snake controlled I mean isn't it suspicious that everyone who works there is a snake?

Author: (looks as if in deep thought) nope the media isn't controlled by snakes I mean I'm not a snake am I? anyways now on to the public's opinion on tax

(cut to Vox Pops again)

Alligator: I would put a tax on all the tigers

Tiger: I would put a tax on all the alligators

It's Man: I would tax Michel Palin…I have a feeling he'd tax me

Karl Marx: I would put a tax on everyone…except me

The Pope: I would put a tax on all non-Catholics

Another Alligator: (standing in water) I would put a tax on all people standing in water

Drummond: but aren't ye standing IN water?

Alligator: true but I am not a person

Dalek: I would put a tax on all non-Dalek life before EXTERMINATING them

Napoleon: I would put a tax on all the English

Gumby (in a slow voice) I would put a tax on everyone who talks slowly

Colonel: I would put a tax on silliness

Nude Organist: I would put a tax on people who wear clothes

Eric Praline: I would put a tax on dead parrots

Biggles: I would put a tax on all the poofs

David bowie: I would put a tax on everyone that doesn't listen to my music

: I would put a tax on the nude in my bed

Bruce: I would put a tax on all the poofters

Samuel Adams: I would put a tax on everyone who gives a bad ending for a TV show

The Man With No Name: I would put a tax on everyone who asks about my name

Adolph Hitler: I would put a tax on everyone who doesn't act like me

Captain Nemo: leave me alone you bloody Englishman

Author: well that's all for today and now…(phone rings and he picks it up we don't hear what it is but judging from the grin on his face it's something good) okay I'll sell (puts down phone) hey everyone a bunch of snakes just called me up and offered to buy the show for a thousand bucks isn't that cool? Anyways since I'll be leaving after this program I would like to show you the Wright Brothers impersonation of the 9/11 disaster

(scene cuts to stock footage of the 9/11 disaster only instead of a jet we see the Kitty Hawk flyer instead)

Colonel: HALT

(the picture freezes and the colonel walks in)

Colonel: I'm sorry to have interrupted your sketch but this video has made it too silly and besides the Yanks are going to be furious if they find this out so now a complete change of mood

Alligator: I love the sweet smell of lilacs in the Spring


	7. Ending

(And here is the ending)

(It's Man gets up from where we left him and runs back through the field again and barely avoids blowing up the mines)

(scene changes to 's lair where the author is at his computer)

Author: well that worked out well I think I'll start work on a sequel

(begins typing)

Colonel: halt

(Colonel walks in)

Colonel: I can't let you do this you'll do something silly and we can't have that now can we

Author: lay off runty I'm merely recording whatever the (beep) you idiots do and making it into a story so shove off

Colonel: I was afraid of this men attack(British soldiers rush in and The Author runs off with his computer)

Author: you'll never take me alive (stops a second) good grief I'm starting to talk like Izzy (turns back and sees the troops again) arrrgggh

(Author is seen running off with the troops in hot pursuit the screen goes black and the words THE END are seen)


End file.
